ACTION NEWS: Election Night Special

Hello, good evening, and welcome to Election Night Special!  I’m Jim Chancellite, and this is a special edition of the Planets Magazine Action News, coming to you Live! from the Capricorn War!

There’s tremendous excitement this evening, and we should be seeing the first results any moment now.  We’re not sure whether it’ll be from Capricornus or Beta Zela.  I’m just getting… I’m just getting… a buzzing noise in my left ear…  Ooh!  Eurgh!  [removes insect and squashes it]  And let’s go straight over to Capricornus!

C: Yes, it’s a straight fight here at Capricornus, and we’re expecting the result any moment now.  And here with the elections warden is the Sensible Party candidate, the Honorable Arthur Smith, and also the Fascist Party candidate, Jack Bootedthug.
W: *ahem*  Here is the result for Capricornus.  Arthur J. Smith…
(JC: Sensible Party)
Thirty thousand, six hundred and twelve. [applause]  Jack Bootedthug…
(JC: Fascist Party)
Thirty three thousand, one hundred and eight.  [applause]

JC:  Well, there’s the first result, and the Fascist Party has held Capricornus.  What do you make of that, Colonel South?
CS:  Well, this is largely as I predicted, except that the Fascist Party won.  Err.. I think that this is largely due to the number of votes cast.  Pat?
PP:  Well, there’s a big swing here toward the Fascist Party, but how big a swing I’m not going to tell you.
C:   I think one should point out here that in this constituency, ah, since the last election a lot of Fascist people have moved into new housing estates with the result that a lot of Sensible voters have moved further down the hyperspace bypass the other side of, of, of… Organia 3.
JC:  Well.  I can’t add anything to that.  Colin?
Colin:  Can I just say this is the first time I’ve been on television?
JC:  No, I’m sorry; there isn’t time.  We’re going straight over to Mao 1.

M:  Well, here at Mao 1 it’s a three-cornered contest between, from left to right, Alan Jones, Sensible Party, Warren A. Brownes-Churt, Fascist Party, and Kevin Phillip Gnerphk, who’s running on the Slightly Fascist ticket.  And here’s the result:
W: Alan Jones…
(JC: Sensible Party)
W: Nine thousand one hundred and twelve.  Kevin Phillip Gnerphk…
(JC: Slightly Fascist)
W:  Zero.  Warren A. Brownes-Churt…
(JC: Fascist Party)
W:  Twelve thousand four hundred and forty-one.

JC:  Well, there you have it; the first big switch in this election as the Fascist Party have taken Mao 1.  Colonel South.
CS:  Well, this is a very significant result, Mao 1 being a traditionally Sensible district with a high proportion of people who aren’t a bit Fascist, has now gone completely National Socialist.
JC:  And we’ve just heard that Pat Patterson has with him the winning Fascist candidate from Mao 1.

PP:  Warren, are you pleased with this result?
WABC:  Victory Through Unity!  Unity Through Strength!  And above all, Fascism Prevails! [wild cheering]

JC:  And do we have the swing at Mao 1?
PP:  Uh… no.
JC:  Right.  Well, I don’t have anything I can add to that.  Colin?
Colin:  Can I just say this is the second time I’ve been on television?
JC:  No, I’m sorry; there isn’t time.  We’re just about to get another result.

B:  And this one is from Beta Xela.  A very interesting constituency, this; in addition to the official Fascist candidate, there’s an unofficial Ultra Fascist candidate, who’s just had himself arrested and shot for sedition.  And this could very well split the Fascist vote here at Beta Xela.
W:  Mz. Per Onista…
(JC: Fascist Party)
W: Twenty-three thousand, three hundred and seventeen.  Jeannette Walker…
(JC: Sensible Party)
W: Twenty-three thousand, three hundred and eighteen.
(JC: That was very close!)
W: I.M.D. Ceased…
(JC: Ultra Fascist)
W:  Two.

JC:  Well, there you have it, a Sensible gain at Beta Xela, with the Fascist vote being split.
CS:  And we’ve just heard from Mao 1 that Pat Patterson has with him the unsuccessful Slightly Fascist candidate, Kevin Phillips Gnerphk.

PP:  Kevin Phillips Gnerphk.  You polled no votes at all.  Not a sausage.  Bugger all.  Are you… uh… disappointed in this result?
KPG:  Not at all.  As I always say:
Climb every mountain
Ford every stream,
Follow every by-way,
Till you find your dream.
A dream that will last
All the love you can give
Every day of your life
For as long as you live.
All together now!
Climb every mountain
Ford every stream…

JC:  A very brave Kevin Phillips Gnerphk there.  Colonel South?
CS:  And I’ve just heard from Capricornus that my aunt is ill.  Possibly gastroenteritis; possibly just cattarrh.  Jim.
JC:  Well, I can’t add anything to that.  Colin?
Colin:  Can I just say that he’ll never appear on television again?
JC:  No, I’m sorry; there isn’t time.  We have to pick up a few results you may have missed:
– A little pink pussy-cat has taken Wanikurak.  That’s a gain for the Liberals there.
– Spectre has taken Atlantia 11, an important gain for Robot Power.
– The News Media has lost Perspective — that’s not a result, just a bit of gossip
– and Donald Trump has taken Umbrage.
– Ciocco has taken Daventhor, Gotti’s Hideout, and Mao 3 — that’s a gain for the Stone Dead Party.

And with major Fascist gains in New Wisconsin, Garfield, Amascusin, and Kazh, it’s beginning to look like a Fascist landslide, with many Nu years of a Fascist Emperor facing us.  We… oh, I don’t want to do this anymore.  I’m bored.  (hangs up microphone)

CS: [offscreen]  He’s right, you know.  It’s a bloody waste of time.
Colin:  An absolute waste!

PP:  I… I never wanted to do this for a living.  I… I always wanted to be… a lumberjack!

[cut to commercial]

Disclaimer:  While this is a completely original work, in another and probably legally binding sense it’s not, being unabashedly and unashamedly adapted from the official Monty Python “Election Night Special” sketch script.  I’ll confess, I’ve been waiting to do this bit for years now, and the prospect of being sued by the surviving Pythons doesn’t scare me.  Heck, they can have all the money I’ve earned by doing these news reports through the entire War, which is not a sausage — bugger all.  Still, if they can’t take a joke, I figure nobody can.

I’d like to thank all the Capricorn Warriors for being such good sports, with the possible exception of Ted who was at the very least the perfect comic book villain.  Him I’d like to thank as well for setting the whole game up to keep the Coalition together.  To the members of the Coalition, I’d like to thank you all again for keeping the faith.  I couldn’t have made Grand Vizier without you.

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