This is Planets Magazine Action News, coming to you live with a special report: The Capricorn War — Conflict in Echo Cluster!
Good evening; I’m Jim Chancellite. There have been some major developments recently in the Capricorn War. Coming to you live with today’s top story is ace reporter Pat Patterson, broadcasting in secret from an undisclosed location. Can you hear me, Pat?
Pat? Are you there, Pat?
PP: *static* -m having some transmission problems due to th- *static* -pe you can hear me, Jim. I’m just going to go ahead and- *static* -ts through.
I’m here aboard the Fascist Firecloud “So- *squrk* -int” on the edge of hostile territory. The recent Chunnel transition has created severe sub-etheric distortion, and while the *static* -eet *squrk* is getting ready to set up a scan of local space preparatory to the next Fascist advance.
The Fascist Fleet Authority has provided us with copies of recent intelligence intercepts from within the Privateer worlds, inside the closing circle of mines, that suggest the *static* is losing control of the fleet. More than a third of the vessels in the Privateer Navy have been confirmed to have defected to a *squrk* faction and the *static* *squrk* -ses are following suit. It’s not clear what the end result will be, but whatever happens, it looks like the Privateer Bands as we know them may well be dissolving.
As the Fascist anti-Pirate campaign continues, we’ll continue sending reports. For now, this is Pat Patterson, signing off. Back to you, Jim.
JC: Thanks, Pat. Best of luck to you.
In other news, the formerly suppressed SCRATCH Cult has reappeared with a vengeance in the Rim worlds of the Missing Colonies of Man. SCRATCH, led by the mysterious Dr. Londes, pursued a doctrine of willing translation to a supposed electronic form of life until it collapsed following the mysterious disappearance of its founder. It has remained dormant until now, when following yesterday’s unexpected Fascist victory in the elections on New New Caprica, a significant segment of the population of this former homeworld opted for, in the words of a spokesman, “…willing elevation rather than life in slavery.” Following the release of the statement, the spokesman could no longer be reached for comment.
The transition of power on New New Caprica has been otherwise smooth, with more than half a million former Colonial citizens personally attending the transitional celebrations in Capital City.
The war crimes trial of Colonel N’Kir, formerly of the Empire of the Bird Men, continues today on the planet Skaro. N’Kir was captured by the Rebel Confederation after his entire squadron allegedly engaged in mass mutiny rather than commit atrocities on a Bird Man population in the conflicted zones. Action News has been informed that N’Kir intends to take the stand himself tomorrow to speak in his own defense.
And that’s the way it is, today, the gorteenth of Frobozz in the third year of the reign of Emperor Darth Balls Flathead IV. Long may he reign! Stay tuned for the Cluster Double Fannucci Championship coming to you live from the world of Zork Nemesis II on most of your network stations.