This is a Planets Magazine Action News Update, coming to you live with a special report: The Capricorn War — Conflict in Echo Cluster!
Hello, I’m Jim Chancellite. We’ve received confirmation today that the Robot stronghold of Spaceball has indeed fallen to Federation troops. With more on this story, here’s Ace Reporter Pat Patterson, from deep inside Robot space. Pat?
PP: Thanks, Jim. Things are tense here at Robot headquarters, just minutes after the Imperious Leader made a startling announcement to Coalition leaders in conference deep within the bowels of this fortified base. I’m told we have a recording… and here it is, folks: the words of the Imperious Leader of the Robots.
[recording] Click. Clickita-click-click. WHEEEEE-Dong! EEE-Dong-EEE-Dong-EEE-Dong hisshhshshshshshssh…
PP: [talking over the noise] Or… uh… it seems what we have is a modem handshake… [aside] Turn it off! Off!
[recording] Hshshsshhhsshhssshhh EEEDong! EEEDing! Hhshhshshshhhhhh… [silence]
PP: Ahhh; that’s better. Ahem. So fortunately, we have a print copy; the text of the message reads, “Members of the Coali—
[recording] Members of the Coalition: It is with internal circuit tensions analogous to deep regret that I announce to you that, yesterday, our great stronghold at Planet Spaceball fell to an attack from overwhelming Federation force. Vessels of our highly efficient assault fleet were engaged in the defense of the base, damaging enemy ships and depleting their fighter reserves. One enemy Cube ship was indeed destroyed, but the remainder of the massive enemy fleet pressed on and annihilated our fortress. Many unique and valuable manufactured intelligences ceased to function as a result of this attack, but we take comfort in the knowledge that many enemy fighter craft were deleted. We anticipate a brief cessation of enemy movement while they rearm and resupply. Frontier planets have been armed and readied to face the enemy juggernaut and we are confident that the enemy will pay a heavy price for their planetary gains.
PP: And there you have it: the words of the Imperious Leader. Other Coalition spokesmen were asked for comment, but the only—
[recording] Click. ClickitaClickClick. Click. [dialtone]
PP: [sigh] THE ONLY RESPONSE — CAN YOU TURN THAT OFF PLEASE? — THE ONLY RESPONSE — Ahh; much better. The only response was from a local Rebel commander, speaking on condition of anonymity, who said, quote, “Hoo, dawgie! ‘S like Vicksburg all over again! I tell you what; we goan whip them Yankee FedBorg fer this! Here; hold mah beer.” There’s been no word from the Coalition council, who are reportedly meeting in a marathon session to discuss plans for a counterattack.
JC: Pat — has there been any information on which members of the Coalition are involved in the planning?
PP: There’s representatives from the Rebels, the Lizards, and the Colonies moving around. I’m told the local Fascist commander was injured in an explosion not long ago — he’ll be fine; just bruised and a little deaf — and that memos have been received from Bird Man and Privateer representatives, but neither has been seen entering or leaving the conference room. Crystalline webs are currently being used to secure that level of the fortress, however, and we’re unable to get confirmation. We’ll keep trying, though.
JC: Thanks, Pat. After the break, we’re expecting an announcement from Cioccutus of Cyborg on the border situation, so stay tuned. This is Planets Magazine Action News.