This is your Planets Mag Action News reporter Pat Patterson coming to you live from orbit, above the planet Velocirex, with an exclusive interview.
For the past two weeks, the cluster has been abuzz with the rumor that, in the wake of the collapse of the Bird Man home world, the Privateer Bands have been secretly allied with the Birds in a bid to gain vengeance. The common belief among those who should know is that the Privateer Admiral, Don Ruez, has taking surplus Bird Man ships and using them to steal the Lizard war fleet.
Today we have been granted an interview with Don Ruez aboard his luxury casino cruise ship, the “Henry Martyn”. It should be mentioned that no reporters have thus far been permitted to enter any of the sensitive areas of any Privateer ship. This is indeed an historic occasion.
Now, we’re told that our host is waiting for us here in this private lounge, so we’ll — Oh! Hello, there.
[A pirate wench is seated at a control console in the corner; she is as opulently furnished as the room, which could double as a bordello lounge or a casino bar — as in fact it is.]
Rue: Welcome. I trust your stay with us so far has been comfortable?
PP: Er… uhm, yes, yes it has. I especially appreciated the free chips. Um…
Rue: Excellent. My father sends his apologies; he was detained with the main fleet but will join you later if his duties allow.
PP: Your fa– Oh! You must be Don Ruez’s famous daughter and aide-de-camp!
Rue: I am.
PP: Well! This is an honor! I must say I am delighted; for once, the rumors are true!
Rue: Rumors? Well…
PP: Oh, not the ones about you being a she-devil, I’m sure. No, the rumors of your beauty!
Rue: Don’t trifle with me, reporter. I killed the last two men who tried.
PP: Ah. My– uh, my apologies. I meant no–
Rue: You have questions? Ask and be done; I have duties.
PP: Oh, uh… yes. I had meant to… that is…
PP: Erhm. I’d wanted to ask about the capture of the Colonial flagship a few days ago.
Rue: Yes; I planned that little operation. The Colonials are weak; they flew straight into our ambush and never fired a shot. Pitiful!
PP: Aren’t you concerned about reprisals from their–
Rue: We’ve taken the best ship in their fleet! What can they possibly do to us now? No, we’re quite satisfied with the way things are going.
PP: Ah… I see. Now, we’ve also heard that your people suffered a loss last turn in Bird space; what can you tell our viewers about–
Rue: It’s true; the Lizard did sneak a ground-attack force under our base in that area. It won’t matter; his fleet is scattered throughout the nearby warp wells and will soon be captured. The base will fall again to our forces in time.
PP: Yes, but without a colonist force, won’t you be vulnerable to–
[a flashing light appears on the control console]
PP: Is that light something important?
Rue: Oh, that? It’s… Hmm. Very odd. Let me see…
[a second flashing light appears]
Rue: That’s… Oh. How annoying.
[a buzzer sounds]
Rue: It appears that we have been boarded while under full cloak. Technically, there’s no way that this could have happened, and yet it has.
[a faint explosion is heard, and several alarms begin sounding as banks of indicators begin flashing red]
Rue: If you’ll excuse me, I ought to attend to this matter personally.
[she steps back, pulls a lever, and vanishes through an escape tube hidden in the floor]
PP: Well! Err… it appears the interview is over, folks. I’d better get back to my shuttle. This is Pat Patters—
[A saurian figure enters the control room. It is man-sized with pebbled skin, beady mad yellow eyes, and a
small large arsenal strapped to its back.]
DrD: Ahahahahaaahhh!!! Saurian genius triumphs again over your evil mammalian science! Ship once yours now is mine! Surrender to the power of my superior intellect, Don Ruez!
PP: No, I’m Pat Patters—
DrD: Your primitive mammal trickery is no match for my genius!
PP: Primitive mammal— I’m a reporter! See the cameras?
DrD: Cameras! Bah! Crude visual devices, they have no interest for me! I am a master of time and space!
PP: Oh – a time traveler? But… but time travel is scientifically impossible!
DrD: To your crude mammal science, yes! I use the power of crystals to attune the energies of your perverse mammal so-called technologies and channel them to do my will!
PP: Ah. I… uh, I see. No, wait; I do see! Are you, by chance, working for the Lizard Alliance?
DrD: I am no lizard; I am a dinosaur! The difference should be plain even to your disgusting mammalian brain!
PP: Then… what are you doing aboard this ship? I thought the Lizards were attacking.
DrD: I am– My Lizard cousins are attacking? Hmmm.
PP: Yes, the Privateer commander saw those flashing lights there and left a few moments before you arrived.
DrD: Your primitive so-called machines cannot detect me! There MUST be an attack! I shall aid my Lizard brothers!
PP: I thought you said you were a Saurian, not a Liz–
DrD: Silence, fool! Your puny thoughts are no match for my genius! Now, where are they?
PP: Uhrm… I don’t know, but that explosion felt like it came from down by the engines. Aft, they call it.
DrD: Ah! I shall go there at once to assist them! AHAHAHAHAAAAAHHH!!!
PP: Well. Um. With that, this is Pat Patterson, signing off from the Privateer ship “Henry Martyn”.
(Writer’s Note: More (real) adventures of Dr. Dinosaur can be found in the pages of Atomic Robo. For a free sample on their website, try:
Why Atomic Robo Hates Doctor Dinosaur)
(Editor’s Note: The character “Dr. Dinosaur” is the property of the Atomic Robo team, and was created by Brian Clevinger and Scott Wegener. This character’s appearance in this post is by their sufferance. It is an homage to their greatness and should not by any means be interpreted as (1) our property or (2) an officially approved part of the Atomic Robo universe. If they so much as hint as to its impropriety, it will be taken down immediately and the writer will be severely disciplined.)