This is Planets Magazine Action News, coming to you live with a special report on the Capricorn War!

This is Jim at the studio, filling in for Pat Patterson, who is out on assignment. We’ll get to him later in the broadcast, but first, we’ve got a breaking story just in from the Cyborg homeworld. Joining us now is our special Cyborg reporter, I. M. Locutus. What’s up, I. M.?

IM: ONE OF THE RELATIVE DIRECTIONS, JIM.
Jim: I see. Can you tell us what’s going on over there?
IM: YES.
(pause)
Jim: What is happening with regard to the Cyborg that is newsworthy, I. M.?
IM: THE IMPERIOUS LEADER IS PREDICTING THE DEFEAT OF THE CRYSTALLINE HOMEWORLD. FROM THERE THE FLEET INTENDS TO MOVE AGAINST THE NEXT TARGET WHILE THE REMAINDER OF THE CRYSTALLINE TERRITORY IS PACIFIED.
Jim: Oh my! When is this battle going to take place?
IM: THERE WILL BE NO BATTLE. THERE WILL BE A BRIEF ASSIMILATION PROCESS FOLLOWED BY A CLEANUP PHASE.
Jim: …OK. And do you know when this is scheduled to begin?
IM: YES.
Jim: …*sigh* When is the assimilation process scheduled to begin?
IM: FORCES WILL CONTINUE TO MOVE IN UNTIL A 3 TO 2 FORCE RATIO IS EXCEEDED.
Jim: Do y– Can y– *sigh* When do you predict that this may occur?
IM: IT WILL OCCUR IN APPROXIMATELY 1.8 TO 5.3 TURNS.
Jim: One point… *sigh* Well, thank you for that… interesting news, I. M. Do you have anything else for our viewers?
IM: AN EFFICIENT CONVERSION PROCESS.
Jim: I’m sure that will be… appreciated… by those that, uh, appreciate that sort of thing. Thank you, I. M.
IM: THANK YOU, JIM.

And with that, we’ll take to Ace Reporter Pat Patterson, who we understand is being given an exclusive interview with the Crystalline Fleet Admiral. Pat?

PP: Excuse me; aren’t you Admiral GtrDevil?
GD: Herra jumala sentään! Sehän on taas yksi noita limaisia pehmeänahkaisia otuksia! Allöttävää!
PP: Oh, are we live? (raising microphone) This is Planets Mag Action News reporter Pat Patterson coming to you with a live interview from the Crystal homeworld. I’m with the commander of the Crystalline forces, the famed GtrDevil. Sir, can you tell me how the war is going?
GD: Onko tuo joku pyssy millä osoittelet? Ei taida olla… näyttää kyllä vähän Hannu serkultani mutta on huomattavasti lyhyempi.
PP: …I see. Now, can you tell us anything about the Cyborg invasion?
GD: Puhuuko tuo muka jotain kieltä ? Ihme mongerrusta… hmm… (pulls out smart-phone) Mitenkä ihmeessä se Googlen kääntäjä toimikaan tässä vehkeessä…
PP: Oh, is that one of those new top-secret communication Droids? Cool!
GD: Mitä ihmettä tuo otus höpisee. (reads google translation result) “Nyt voit kertoa meille mitään kyborgi hyökkäyksen…” (to Pat) Mikä hyökkäys muka… vain pari rumaa teräskuutiota pilaa maisemani planeetoiltani!
(Smart-phone): “what a nice/pleasant/comfortable attack … just a couple of ugly cubic meters of steel spoiling my planetary landscapes… is that my cousin Hanno or are you just happy to see me”
PP: I see. We were hoping to embed one of your people with your navy in order to report live from the front, but we’ve been having communication problems. Is this a possibility? Could we– ?
GD: [to his soldiers] Voisiko joku viedä tuon limaisen otuksen pois silmistäni! Sotkee vaan kaikki paikat!
PP: (being dragged away) Now, that’s what I call decisive! Thank you, sir! This is Pat Patterson reporting live from the planet– [CLANG]
GD: Nyt joku välittömästi siivoaa tämän sotkun! Vääpeli toimikaa!
(Smart-phone): Hanno…

Well! That was interesting. Uh… thanks for that, Pat. (pause) And now, we have a press release, direct from the Fascist Empire. Now, there’s some static due to the intervening ion storm, but this should be… yes, it’s coming up now.

[cut to video]

(Scene: A dimly lit throne room. A haze of smoke obscures the background. Seated, a heroic figure dressed in ceremonial battle armor. He raises a goblet made from a bejeweled skull.)

I raise to thee the finest Trinidad rum!
A toast to the Fed, our mighty adversaries! A toast to the Fed, by mighty glories!
rut tujqu’ bochtaHvIS chal mIn Dun qu’!
(quaffs)

And to those western snake-oil merchants, I say this:
Seng bIQ’a’Hey SuvmeH nuHmey SuqDI’, ‘ej, Suvmo’, rInmoHDI’!

And that’s the way it is, today, Thor’s Day the 13th, in the fourth year of Emperor Mentar. Long may he reign!

We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming, already in progress.